There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
they need to just BURY HIM!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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