i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
