I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
