fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
