Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
