kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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