i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
