In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
