Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
