Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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