The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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