weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
