Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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