Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
