I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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