god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
