The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's never too late to be topless.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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