I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
