We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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