seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Randomize