Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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