I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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