Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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