when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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