You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
