walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
