that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Randomize
