why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
