Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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