I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
