I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
