That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
