Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
