I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
