So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
