Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
