3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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