Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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