OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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