you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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