Yo dont text me then not text me
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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