According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize