I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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