Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize