no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
