I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
