ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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