Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize