So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
