Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
