i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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