I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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