We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Of course I have a pirate flag
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
