I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
