People with herpes should wear stickers.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
