I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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