I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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